Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Struggling is part of this game

Borderline personality patients struggle big time with intense and instable relationships. I’m struggling with a recent breakup. Even when I have my dark moments I can pat myself in the back because, yes, I’m depressed but I’m still fighting. For me the key point to keep myself afloat in this storm is to do what makes me feel a little better. Right now is hard to keep up with all the house cleaning, laundry. Is extremely overwhelming. So my little goal each week is to make the laundry and make the dishes. All the vacuuming and general cleaning can wait. If I see the whole picture I will feel overwhelmed, so I tell myself, today you will do the dishes, just that simple thing. When I finish the dishes I feel my goal for the day was attained. This past weekend my goal was to cut the grass, task that I really hate to do but I don’t want my neighbors complaining. I mowed the lawn and slept the rest of the day. Yes, I overslept but I accomplished the lawn. Eventually I will get more done.
Let’s think for a minute than instead of a mental health condition you were blind. There are certain things a blind person will have difficulty doing and nobody will pester them asking them to see. So the same with our mental illness, we certainly have days in which the chemistry of our brain plus life situations can put us very down and we have to realize that those days we will do less. That doesn’t mean we are losing the battle it means we need to slow down. I know for the people around us is very difficult sometimes to accept that we have a disability because isn’t that obvious, like being blind or deaf. I will never get tired of saying this is a disease like any other. We have to educate. We, don’t process emotional distress like healthy people do. We are not like other people, we are not less but we are not like other people, we are different. Frequently I tell myself why I cannot have more control over my emotions and I’m extremely hard on myself. But something I have to realize is, I have a mental health condition that isn’t going to disappear. I have the hope it will improve eventually with therapy, medications and self improvement but is there and sometimes it will affect me. Most of the days just getting dressed is a huge accomplishment nor to say I keep coming to work everyday. And isn’t because I’m strong is more because I don’t have a choice. I have a house, a car, insurance. I have nobody to back me up so I have to make sure I keep my job. In the past I had a very demanding job, now I don’t and instead of looking at it as I downgraded I see it like a good thing. I’m able to leave my work at the office. I don’t work weekends so I have the space just to lay in bed. I give myself the space to stay were I feel safe: my bed, my books, my magic comforter. I really will not know what to do without the public library books. When I cannot handle anything I just grab a book and that soothes me. Yes, is an escape but if is between reading Harry Potter and harming myself, reading is better. Is funny how excited I get when I’m at the library picking the books I will read. All those books and I can read them all. I’m reading everything I can because that gives me a break from all the pain I feel right now. I don’t pretend to keep running away but right now is the only relief I have. And this path is about that, about staying in the present, making sure I do what is necessary right now, and just that.


  1. I HAVE THE SAME struggles when it comes to relationships. I'm proud that you're keeping afloat. every little bit counts :) you can do this. I'm struggling w/one of my really close guy friends, okay, who am i kidding, we were more than jst friends falling off the face of the earth? I was bedridden for 3 days bc of it. i won't admit it to my other friends it was him of course but just be proud you're doing what you are :)

  2. I love books too, they are such a joy and an escape. I need to find more to read, maybe I should go back to my public library.