Thursday, December 30, 2010

Passing the 30's

Due my condition, I always thought I was going to kill myself before I reached my 30 birthday. My 20's were a succesion of one crisis after the other one. But my 29's were the worst. I lost my job, a relationship and my condition was out of control. But looking back at all that destruction, I can see the magic of reinvention. I was able to survive. In two more days I will be 32 years old. I'm capable of keeping a job. I'm going back to school for a short EMT course. I have a roof over my head, friends that loved me thru thick and thin and I'm full of hope. Hope that if I continue with my meds and therapy I will win the battle against bipolar disorder and borderline personality. The future looks better because I'm in control of myself. After DBT I have more awareness of my mood changes and I can plan ahead to avoid the deep sides of my condition. I still have my dark moments, sometimes my mood swings take away the light of life but I'm still here, fighting. I never thought I was going to see my 30's. I'm glad I did because the 30's brought a nephew that is a boy that is a smile in my life. They brought a relationship that seems strong and growing. My choices are endless and that is my point, for years I felt being bipolar was a death sentence, that I wasn't going to have a healthy life but I was wrong. Is possible. I don't think about when I'm going to die anymore. Only God knows when is my last day but I'm sure when it comes I will be able to say I did my best and I had a healthy life full of love and redemption.

Wednesday, November 24, 2010

Jose Feliciano - Feliz Navidad

That time of the year is back again. The Holidays can be daunting when the serotonin is low in our brains. Usually I enjoy the Holidays. Not that I decorate and sing Christmas carols but I try to be as up beat as I can be. I remember my first Christmas in the United States. I was driving and I heard the song, Feliz Navidad by Jose Feliciano. I started sobbing because I remembered how I used to sing that in my bad English, when I still believed in Santa and the Three Kings. Right there, in a car cold as a freezer I decided I would have a good Christmas day. I went to the supermarket and bought "pernil" pork, rice, green pigeons peas and even a box with flan mix. The rice came out sticky as glue, I burned some sides of the pork and the flan was a disaster. But I had a good time. I even turned on a small Christmas tree I had in a corner. So my point is, sometimes even with mental illness, is possible to make the best you can and enjoy the little things. Some of us do not have that Hallmark families but we still have reasons to be grateful and celebrate whatever triumphs we had this year. I had been out of the hospital for two years. I'm still in therapy and I have my ups and downs but sure I keep fighting. I have been in a love relationship for about seven months and things are going pretty well. My dog and cat are okay. I have a roof over my head and a fridge with food in it. I'm blessed. I have a mental health diagnosis but I don't let my diagnosis rule who I'm. Is true is not easy to deal with it, but that just mean I have to push harder. Some days it sucks and is so hard to do even the simple things....those days I tell myself, I just have to get dress and show up. Life is what you do with whatever is given to you. I was given this illness and at the end I just hope I did the best I could and was able to show is possible.